I waited 33 years before saying, “I do”.

I had previously told myself that not marrying my high school sweet heart and the father of my first child was a wonderful NON-MISTAKE. Clearly by his behavior he wasn’t ready for “forever” and I wanted and needed “forever”.  Looking back now I still think, “Thank you God for not allowing me to make that mistake!” . Time went on and I met a wonderful guy.  In my mind he was totally worth the wait. He loved my daughter like she was his own, both of my parents loved and accepted him (which was no easy task). We encouraged each other through our college courses and even though there was distance between us (one-thousand-seven-hundred and five miles to be exact) we made every effort to see each other by alternating flights to see one another every 90 days. Phone bills, Yahoo! Messenger and Skype Video were a serious thing!

I can honestly say I loved this man with all of my heart. Which made it very difficult when I made the decision to walk away after being together for over five years.  We had grown a lot in five years but not in the direction I had wanted or needed. Long story short he didn’t see himself getting married in his twenties and I didn’t see myself waiting any longer on something that I was already fully committed to.  I was always taught to never settle and to know my worth.  No matter what.  Did my family understand or agree? My father had recently passed and my mother completely understood. However my sisters and other family members thought I was crazy and impatient. But my main question was if he knew he wanted to be with me why was he asking me to wait, when I’ve already waited 5 years!?  Plus life had just handed me a valuable lesson, “Time is short and promised to no-one”.  The twenty-three years I’d spent with my Daddy seemed like the blink of an eye.

After that relationship ended my mindset shifted and I was totally okay with never getting married. I was okay with being by myself and only going out on the “casual date” because it seemed like anyone I wanted to settle down with had their lives together in all categories except for in the category of settling down with being a family – they were complete immature idiots in that area.  So did I become a serial dater? Maybe. Depends.  I don’t think so. I mean I’d go out with a person on a few dates and if they didn’t meet my expectations or this list I had outlined in my mind (Chili’s list didn’t’ have anything on mine) I’d drop them and move on. I did this until I matured and realized it was a complete waist of time. So, I became the one that always declined offers or my friends trying to play match maker.  I was the one on a couples date with friends with no date… Yelp! No shame that was me!

So lets fast-forward to the Little White Chapel in Las Vegas, February 14, 2015.  Shortly after-midnight I had finally said, “I do”. To a man that I’d been dating for 3 years and with whom I’d recently had a child with. We’d gone through a lot of talks and arguments I like to affectionately call debates on the topic of us getting married. He was apprehensive because he’d been married before and had been divorced for ll years. He had promised himself he’d never get married again ( I shouldn’t have fought him on this) and was sure to let me know that the only way out of a marriage with him was going to be a grave-yard -even if he had to get a shovel and bury me himself. Divorce was NEVER going to be an option. I countered back with the only way to stay with me was going to be through a marriage because there was no excuse for us not to.  We were on the same page in every way (So, I thought) except for our stance on marriage. I assured him that I was ready for the commitment. We both kept going over the “Til death do us Part” section and bantering back and forth, “Do you understand what that means?”  “Of course I do, but do YOU understand what that means?” – until we were both inwardly sure that the other person wasn’t lying and would stick out through liver-spots, grey hairs, wrinkles, marriage fat, finances, amputation should something horrific happen or any other disability that might send one running for the hills.

As soon as we got married Life got hard! I didn’t understand why we were faced with so many troubles and obstacle courses. We never struggled with one another. We never had any inward martial problems. No cheating, no physical or emotional abuse, no lying, no stealing or deceit. He was still my best friend and I was still his best friend.  Things just seemingly always blew up around us that ended up directly affecting us.  But like troopers we stuck it out and stuck with each other. Where we perfect? Absolutely not! But we weren’t perfect before either. We just made it a point to work a little harder.  I’d tell him, “If you focus on my needs and I focus on your needs this thing will work”. So we did that. We could have a heated argument that would cause one or both of us to flat out ignore each other all day. But at bedtime, we’d agree to disagree and let it go. The only argument that would ensue after that was who was going to be little spoon and who was going to be the big spoon.

Life didn’t ease up though and I ended up leaving my position as Business Systems Analyst due to transitions and changes at work. For the first time in my life I was a stay at home mom. I had started working at the age of 15 and only stopped for a total of 12 months in all of those years between 2000 and 2001 after the birth of my first child.  My husband was highly frustrated with me, but I’d taken our income of almost 100K a year and chopped it in half. Our monthly income had changed but our bills had not.

Naturally, My objective was to jump right back in the saddle and get another job. It would be no problem.  I have the degree, the certifications and experience to land any position with equal or more pay. Day in day out, I beat the pavement. But nothing panned out.  I’d chosen the most craziest time to quit – two weeks before Thanksgiving. Everyone in the corporate world knows that you’re note able to line up people during the holiday season.  I’d be lucky to get a bite back in February of the next year…  Plus it wasn’t in God’s plan. My plan wasn’t his plan, so I could fight against him or with him.  I fought him for 4 months. I was getting the little lessons (budgeting with less, left overs can be good, shopping isn’t therapy – it’s actual debt, spending time with my daughters is super important, Mah’s older than I thought, sometimes friends are closer than family, reading the Bible is an essential part of life, etc.) but missing the big lesson and nothing got better until I shut up, listened  and allowed Him to speak to me. When he saw that I was ready he counseled me. Gently, but sternly. Once I heard, once I read and read with understanding I felt so embarrassed, ashamed, remorseful and confused about how to quickly resolve my mistake.

“What was it?” you ask.  In the months that I was on hiatus from work, God took this time to minister to my spirit.  To rekindle our relationship (wow he took time out of his schedule to do that for me). He opened my eyes so that I could truly see, my ears so that I could hear his voice again. Me being  at home, not getting any leads for work was by His design. He needed all of that time for just me and Him to have some long overdue 101 conversations.  I feel so special thinking back on it. He first lead me to Brother Raymond Carrington where I realized we had a lot in common as far as some of our spiritual experiences. Then I was lead to Brother Jonathan Cayol and admittedly I was captivated.  Hanging on  every word because God was answering so many questions I had through him and it was so amazing. So refreshing. I don’t think I’d studied my Bible so hard or intently. And the answers, they came fast. For the first time in a long time God and I were on one accord. Felt good.  I could ask a question and get answer within minutes. He answered me by implanting the answer, through others, through the word, I mean my God is limitless I could get it from a commercial if he wanted . I just had to listen. So, at this point I was close with Jesus. When that happens? When you’re instantly changed? You become insane to others.

My husband was convinced I’d had a nervous breakdown and joined a religious cult. He really began to question me when I asked him to be silent at night as I knelled down at the foot of our bed with my head covered  praying sometimes for an hour or falling asleep due to  praying for so long. He even stopped me one time yelling, “Wait, what, you’re Muslim now? Why is your head all covered when you pray now?” (I had to go over to 1 Corinthians Chapter 11 and explain it in depth to him).

“What was it?  What was the big lesson you’d been ignoring?”, you ask me again. It’s the whole reason for this post. I was in an adulterous marriage. Don’t worry it was a new phrase for me too. Everyone knows what adultery is. According to the dictionary its voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. “So how are you committing adultery with your husband? You’re married?!”, you ask. Don’t worry I got you, I asked the same thing. The devil is in the details. Let’s look at the last part of the definition from the dictionary. “…other than his or her lawful spouse”.

Marriage is governed under God’s law, not man’s law. When you marry someone for the first time,  (it’s your first time AND it’s their first time) you have gone into a covenant with that person.  You agreed to remain married to that person for LIFE. Until death separates you. Not until you get sick of them, not until they go broke, loose their good looks & charm, not until you find something better, not until they become a drug addict, serial killer, whore, drunk etc. No, you are in that thang for life! Like it or not that’s the cards, nothing was hidden when you said those words, “Until death due us part”.  Someone is going to start an argument about what Moses said, so let me  stop you at the pass.  We are no longer under Mosaic law. Plus, Jesus plainly states it was never by the design to have divorces. Maybe some people have just cause to divorce.  I ‘m not here to argue divorce. Just know it’s a sin. A repent-able sin yes, but still a sin. I am here to sound the alarm regarding divorce and re-marriage.

So here’s where those details come back into play. You can divorce, you can repent, but you cant remarry someone else.  You do that you’re committing adultery. And the kicker is you CAN’T REPENT OF AN ADULTEROUS MARRIAGE.  If you die while in it your going to HELL. I love you too much to lie to you. Here is why you can’t repent while in an adulterous marriage: Repent means to turn away. You ask for forgiveness and say you’ll never do it again. But how can you repent of an adulterous marriage? You’re looped in 24/7. Even if you’re no longer sleeping together, you’re still in a void marriage.  The only way to resolve it is to dissolve it.

adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of God. He’s not a liar.  He wasn’t playing any games about that. So imagine my shock, horror and fear when I heard Brother Jonathan Cayol preaching boldly about this topic? A topic I kept skipping over because I looked at the tittle and was like – “Welp that’s not me, I’m married. Boom! not fornicating, not cheating. I’m good!”  That was the elephant in the room I had ignored. Did I come with the questions? You darn right!  As anyone should!  You test that spirit and see if it be of God.  Jesus sat me down, and just had me read.  No explanation was needed.  It was there in plain English across translations, the words, the meaning didn’t change. My decision to marry a man technically already married (his original spouse is still living) was wrong and a sin that would guarantee me a one way trip to hell.  What did that I do? I cried my eyes out of course. I kept quiet about it for about 72 hours. The entire time I was looking for a loop hole (oh the flesh can be wicked). And praying to God for time. Not to allow me to die before I could make it right. I tried finding something in scripture that over-road what my spirit knew instantly was the truth. I couldn’t.  At least not in full context – you can find and make up whatever you want when you take it out of context. When my spirit and flesh were finally in unison, I sat my husband down on our bed with the Bible open and read each scripture out loud and when finished, asked him what he thought it meant.  He of course had the typical answer- the typical lie we have all been conditioned with; ” It means my divorce was okay because fornicated against me. Our marriage is valid. ”  I cried, shock my head, said, “No it’s not.” and in the next breath asked for a divorce.

 

Relevant Scripture(s):

Part II continued  HERE

 

1 Corinthians 6:9-10King James Version (KJV)

9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

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